Blog, hey, how are you? Been a while.
Me? Oh, um, yeah. Sorry I forgot to write up posts in advance so I could flick them out with alacrity. There you go, that’s a nice word for you. Not used much in general convo. Bask for a bit, okay?
Enough silliness. This blog isn’t intended to be a personal whingefest but forgive me a moment of introspection.
I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. There are a couple of things in my life that I’m unhappy about, but I haven’t sat down and really gathered up the energy to fight against them. I’ve sort of… flopped. And I want to stop flopping, for I am no salmon but I am trying to swim upstream.
I started to change a little while back, in a good way. It was exhilarating in a sort of small scale, wholesome and healthy sense. I was being social, both in person and in text, without giving myself the introverted heebie-jeebies of going overboard and crowding myself into a mental corner. I was shaping my life around goals; don’t get me wrong, I’m lazy and I’m a procrastinator of the highest calibre, but I was motivated. For a month, I did something every day that related in some way to a personal goal. I learned, I thought, I created. It was so positive that I barely knew myself.
Just as I was nurturing this part of me, some personal circumstances changed and I’ve found myself back in a sterile environment where nothing has shifted but something inside me has. And the little green shoot that was growing has been stomped on- and I can’t even blame anyone but myself because ultimately, it’s me that’s the problem. It was my own boot that came down hard.
We are all, in the end, our problems because of how we choose to react.
I’ve crumbled. And I will break if I’m not careful, because I’ve done it before.
This week, the new Amber is going to get a foothold in her life unlike she ever has previously. I can’t guarantee that it’ll work but I’m damned sure I’m going to try.
I’ve chosen to make a post about this because I think sometimes it’s useful to verbalise things previously only thought, if only because- in my case, at least- my brain is not exactly my number one fan. But also because of this:
If you’re having a tough time right now, keep sight of yourself. If you don’t know who you are or what you should be doing, don’t worry. Remember that the world is filled with infinite possibilities, even if if feels very small right now, inside your chest, and that it is never too late to change.
You won’t always have good choices in front of you, but you will always have a choice. Make the one that sets you alight.